I lost all my UNDERS :*0

It's the truth--- now I don't expect y'all to feel my pain, but somewhere between traveling from one house to the other I have lost ALL my unders! I packed up several pair and actually put them in a suitcase instead of the usual clothes basket I usually travel with because I was going to Va Beach with my daughter's family and I thought the son-in-law might go catatonic if my unders were too highly visible on the journey-- I went from Va Beach back to Garden City, and then directly out to the summer house-- I still had pretty many underpants in my possession at this point--- I wore them, I washed them, I dried them, I found some stuck in the sofa cushions where Miss Daisy throws the clean laundry outta the dryer--some were twisted in the sheets from the dryer., even found one on the ceiling fan blades???

ANYWAY. . . . .

I packed up to come home, put the piles of folded laundry in my suitcase, tried to zipper it, jumped up and down on it, sat on it, and finally got her squeezed shut---I get home, drag my suitcase up the stairs, and unpacked 3 weeks of junk outta my car-- I was BEAT!!!!

The next morning, I get up and go to get ready to go to my big BIRTHDAY brunch over at the Garden City HO-tel--- I pop open the groaning suitcase and start scrounging for my clean unders--aint in there--- so I UNPACK the whole suitcase ( which CONsists of emptying it onto a nearby chair)--NOPE no underoooooooos! I call Miss Daisy, who's still back at the summer house ranch and he don't know nuthin "bout no unders- I go check my underpants drawer AGAIN, certain that , in the FIRST place I didn't take ALL my unders to VA BEACH, and in the SECOND place, there should have at least been a few STRAGGLER pairs hanging out in the crevices of my drawer OR MY suitcase---- NOPE, so now I"m in a panic--- I NEED UNDERS TO GO TO THE FANCY HOTEL FOR THE FANCY BIRTHDAY BRUNCH!!! I CANNOT go COMMANDO, because it's a buffet with lobster tails and fancy stuff, and really big women get physical if you get in their way at the prime rib table, and I couldn't risk gettin knocked over and having my HOO HAA fall out in the buffet line~~

anyway. . . .

so I'm digging in my drawer and find some OLD OLD white, real GRANNY unders--- you know the ones??? that come up under yer arm pits? elastic all stretched with elastic threads hanging in random places? and have an OLD MUSTY DRAWER SMELL??? They looked like Gwenyth Paltrows underpants on Shallow Hal--They looked like the Flying Nun's hat-- so now--- should I bother wearing these things that had a better than average shot at falling down around my ankles in the buffet line??? I even TOYED with the idea of wearing a pair of Miss Daisy's unders, but with the occasion of my 60th birthday brunch, I foresaw a nursing home in my immediate future if I was found out--

So I opted for the GRANNYS, and wore pants and a jacket, to hide the bunched up unders on my ass--they were so bunched up, they might as well been thongs as that''s where most of the material ended up--where the sun don't shine.

So this evening, I went to Costco to get some new unmentionables ( that I have been "mentioning" for 10 minutes, now)--they only had a pack of 5 with a pair of black, white, black with white stripes and black with white polka dots ones---I'm pretty sure my REAL unders are out in the yard out there somewhere, raccoons building nests with them, the swans getting them hooked around their webbed feet, and the muskrat, swimming across the pond with a pair on his head--yep--that's where MOST of them are, - but come to find out. . .Miss Daisy DID have a hand in the disappearance-- I have evidence--yes I do.

watchin the night bloomin cactus July 10, 2010

My 88 year old French neighbor, Natalie, invited me over to watch her night cactus bloom--she is an avid gardener, and sounds just like Julia Child--I had no idea what she was talking about--- we had "socialized" together a few times, having peach bellinis on the beach in front of her house, and picking daffodils in her yard ( we are NEW BFF-- she lives down the block from Joe's father's house--Joe inherited the house)--anyway, she wanted me to come over after dark as they only bloom one time, at night, and they only last the one night, and they were ready to go that night-- so I grabbed a pitcher of bellinis, a plate of apricot/brie tarts, my camera and ran over there-- she had 7 giant pots on her patio (about 6 feet tall) dripping with blossom pods--2 lanterns with candles, chairs, champagne in buckets, and glasses-- I grabbed a chair and pulled it up in front of the plant- I felt like Chevy Chase at the Grand Canyon-- I sat there staring at it, wondering what it was going to do--
Use your best Julia Child impression here--
"Ohhhhh, look at them!!! Aren't they MAG---NIFICENT???? " she beamed

I looked, but they just looked like a bunch of saggy flowers to me--like flowers that have been out of water--I poured myself a bellini--figured I'd get liquered up for this adventure--
I leaned onto my knees and looked closer --just then, a couple appeared on the scene-- I jumped up and poured them a drink--- they brought a plate of brownies. Now all 4 of us are bent over in our chairs staring at the plants--- man, this is like watching paint dry--
"Oh, Natalie", they exclaimed, "they are blooming so early this year aren't they?''
WHAT??? these people have done this before????? HUH?????
It's getting darker. . .

Just then, another lady appears around the corner of the patio--- she's holding a giant bouquet of hydrangeas that she presents to our hostess-- She has an enormous camera--- guess she' s gonna capture the magic?
I pour her a drink and we all gather round the blossoms, ohhhing and ahhhhhing---yes they do look BIGGER?? ohhh they ARE so fragrant!
Natalie insisits that we stick our snouts inside the now half opened blooms and sniff--I'm thinking Little shop of Horrors here---is this thing gonna bite?? It's getting really really dark now, so we get a flashlite and shine it on the blooms, just as ANOTHER lady shows up with her giant camera--gee whillickers-- this is turning into quite the get together!
getting darker. . .
I'm still slurpin down bellinis as are all the other people-- We're all trying to capture the flowers on camera--why I don't know-- they only show up as white blobs. Natalie is SO excited she cannot stand it! and she is so disappointed that more people couldn't come-- I am amazed that this many people actually came!!!
We are all sitting and staring and photographing and ohhhhhhing and ahhhhing and staring and sitting and sniffing, and staring, and staring and staring AT PLANTS IN THE PITCH DARK
I start GULPING down the drinks now--
the people are all clucking about how they are magnificent and that there is feathery stuff inside and now Natalie grabs her clippers and starts clipping off the blooms to give to us to take home-- even tho they have NO chance of surviving--One by one, the people get up to leave, sighing as tho satisfied by a big ole lobster dinner--
I'm not sure what I was watching--- as they opened fully, they looked like peonies--it was quite the adventure-when I told my daughter, she said there was a scene in the Dennis the Menace movie where Mr. Wilson invited the Garden Club over to watch his flower bloom at night--- she thought it was made up for the movie--- Believe me---it was NOT--- this apparently is quite the social event

my my am I ever BEHIND!

September 11 was my birthday and I spent the day shopping in
Georgetown-- I walked down there-- a hundred miles by my calculation--:*O I came back into my "NABE" and ate at a place that was also a bookstore-- I had crabcake and pasta-- DELISH--crabcake over pasta, with avocado, tomatoes, and corn--YUM--- pair it up with an ICE COLD BEER and HAPP--PPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEEE--~~slurp~~

September 12 was the BIG DAY-- it was a spectacular day! The day started around 9 am . I took a subway into "town" and met up with HUNDREDS of outraged people from ALL over the country! The signs were hilarious, NOT the trash the LIBERAL MEDIA focused on in their 20 seconds of coverage--One sign read, "I GOT TIRED OF YELLING AT MY TELEVISION, SO I CAME HERE" There were dogs ( wearing signs that read: "I bite liberals" , or "I create 2 'shovel ready' projects a day", or " I am a government watchdog")--There were children , seniors, some on oxygen, some in wheelchairs, blacks whites, foreigners, --one little girl, about 2 years old, was holding a sign, that read: "I'm only 2 and I owe $38,000"

The greatest crime that I witnessed was several people climbing over the 4 foot wall onto the actual capitol grounds-, me included--- some old "geezers" ( probably younger than me! :*)~ ) pulled me over the wall as soon as the cops turned their backs--ha ha-- yes! apparently I have trouble with the FUZZ!-- the crowds were ENORMOUS-- well over a MILLION--- don't care what the LIBERAL PRESS says--as you can see, this is toward the end of the "rally" and look at the ground-- no garbage! and no arrests-- I headed back to my hotel and ate at some seafood place and met a girl that was at the rally sitting at the table next to me---I could tell because she was dressed head to toe in flag paraphernalia ---turns out, she was from LONG ISLAND--

anyway, it was quite exhilarating meeting so many people from all walks of life and from all parts of this country --

Later ~~

Thursday September 10

I left home around noon for the 4 hour drive to DC--I was listening to my latest "book on tape" that 's really on a cd-(Atlas Shrugged, what else for the protest??)-If I saw a bus along the way, I'd wonder if they were heading to Washington, too. I'd see a car with an American flag flappin off the rear window and again wonder if it was another "patriot" enroute to the Tea Party. Thank God I have a GPS in my car or I'd have NEVER found my hotel which was nestled in the northwest section of DC on "EMBASSY ROW"--I arrived around 4 pm, registered, asked for some restaurant recommendations and got a map of the area- Parking on premises here is $28/day--- amateurs! I'm from New York where it costs $28/ hour--HA!

The helpful guy at the desk, was a "ferener" and I didn't understand ONE thing he said--I kept saying, "excuse me?" after everything he said--the other desk guy was also a ferner from another country and he helpfully tried to "interpret" what the first guy was saying--finally I gave up the fight and just nodded-- he looked very excited and disappeared into the back room-- he came out with a small plate, and a wet, wrapped towel on it-- He proudly pushed it across the counter at me. Trying not to look STUPID, I unwrapped the towel and looked at him, puzzled.
"for your hands, ma-DAM" he said
So I stood at the desk , while I was in the middle of REGISTERING, holding a cold wet towel to wipe my hands on--Now, my hands are sopping wet, and he's pushing the form at me to sign and asking for my credit card--wondering what to do with my wet hands, and the wet towel, I plopped the towel down on the plate, wiped my hands on my ass, scrounged in my wallet for my credit card, signed the papers, took the key and went outside to move my car. I wondered what country on earth these guys came from that gives you a cold wet towel at CHECK IN?

The man at the desk had informed me it was "a little tight" in the underground (under the building) parking area-TIGHT??? meaning. . .?
I got the car, started the descent into the gated underground parking--you needed to put in your room key to open the gate--- the gate squeeked and creaked UP and I inched forward-- all kinds of pipes, insulation, air/heat vents were hanging from the ceiling-- I seriously wondered if my jeep would scrape the ceiling--at the bottom of the entrance, dead ahead, was a cinderblock wall--as I creeped forward, the gate started closing behind me--- NOW WHAT do I do? the only parking was at a 180 degree turn around the wall to my right-YIKES!! --as I turned the car to the RIGHT , my headlights nearly touched another wall where the elevator was--WHA??? no way back, no way front, no way sideways-- so the only thing for me to do was make a 50 point turn, hoping the car didn't lurch into the elevator nook--- I finally got the car headed in the right direction for parking, and there were 6, count them, 6 spaces, 2 each between 2 sets of poles-- the only way in was another 75 point turn--after sweating and twisting, and turning and doing all kinds of contortions, I finally got the truckster nestled into a spot on the end--I gave up trying to open the tailgate-- it would have whacked the hell outta the ceiling--guess I'll go to PLAN B for travel tomorrow--aint taking that baby outta there-
Anyway, went up to my room to "freshen up" before heading out to dinner-- My room is fancy, papered in black toile, with all kinds of "modern" sleek lamps and bath fixtures-- the bathroom door is frosted glass, a nightlite pops on under the sink when you go into the bathroom, the sink is FLAT--HUH? there is a giant chrome? lamp that looks like a desk lamp that I still havent' figured out how to turn on? I grab my make up bag and turn on the lights over the mirror-over one of my eyes, it looks like a line of black magic marker? I lean in closer-- is it mascara? I licked my finger and rubbed--it didn't BUDGE--oh dear, was it on there when I was registering?? no wonder the man brought me a wet towel? IT WAS FOR MY EYE-- NOT MY HANDS!! OH NO !!! OR??? Did my mascara smudge when I was sweating bullets doing the 700 point turns in the bat cave?

I grab the bottle of Oil of Olay and dab it on the eyelid-- this ALWAYS works-- except for NOW-
what the hell? anyway, now I wet my finger, soap it up and rub-- no go-- -- NO GO!! grab a tissue, wet it, with a dab of soap and rub~~~NOPE~~~YIKES what is this????? get the washcloth , wet it, soap it up and scrub-OUCH~~ scrub~~ OUCH~~scrub~~OUCH! it finally, FINALLY comes off, only now my eye is beet red and I look like HITCH --
Oh well, I don't know anybody in this town-- so I'm off for the mere 12 BLOCKS down the road toward the restaurants. I spotted a restaurant called THAIPHOON and thought the name was very clever, so I went in--
"table for ONE," I said
he seats me next to another lady at HER "table for one"
She had ordered the "special"--lightly breaded eggplant, with minced chicken and basil in a light garlic sauce--Hers looked so good I ordered the same-- we started talking and it turns out she was from Germany-- we talked about our different governments and she was tellling me that they have socialized medicine,that they pay DEARLY for, and income taxes at 70%--that's HER percentage, as a YOUNG, SINGLE taxpaper--God only knows what the wealthy must pay there, and that the wait to see a doctor is a very long time-- she said she has never been really ill, but if you were, you were not given any special considerations-- you waited your turn. PERIOD. That's why I'm here, I told her. She even said that she would try to make it to the Capitol on Saturday to see what it was all about.
She told me she was staying down the block at the Mayflower Hotel
"Isn't that the one where the Mayflower Madame ran her business?" I asked her
She looked at me blankly-
"UH OH", I thought, "maybe she's a hooker??"
"I don't understand the "madame"? she said
"you know, like a girl PIMP? a MADAME? she wrote an expose book on all the famous people who frequented there"
She nodded, as if deep in thought~~
maybe she WAS the Mayflower Madam-- ?
anyway~~
Signing off for the evening-
Later~

getting ready for my birthday journey

Today, September 9, 2009, I am printing out hotel confirmations, itineraries for the "protests" and packing. I e-mailed my brother to ask him if he wanted to join me in DC

"I'm goin to DC to protest--- wanna go?" I asked.
his reply:
" Joe Fxxxxx (xx's to protect poor ole Joe's identity) went to Washington alone to protest for the Indian (natives) causes and came back and promptly gave her husband Sandy a case of the claps, who then promptly gave it to his girl friend from Minn. who went home and gave it to her husband who then gave it to his girl friend and so on. I was in the house when she came home, so I got a call from the health dept. and at last count 18 people got it within 3 days. b careful "

THIS is what he wants me to be careful in WASHINGTON DC with?????I was thinking more along the lines of wearing a flak jacket and taking pepper spray--

Getting ready for THE PROTEST-first some background. . .

I guess you're all wondering if Sue and I made it back from being cooped up in the car for 6000 miles---we did--- the journey ended as it started--- COLD and snowing! But I will try and catch you up to that later!

On April 15, I traveled to NEW YORK CITY ALONE (well, it wasn't that far, after all, only a 30 minute train ride from my house), armed with magic markers, poster board, flags and money--

We were protesting in the infamous TEA PARTY-- about HIGH taxes, bailouts, stimulus bills, out of control Congress, and the clueless government in general. I had no idea what to expect, or where I was going-- I had an address-- the city hall park. $40 later, with train $$, and taxi $$, I was dropped off a few blocks from the area-- I could tell, because I saw a herd of people walking, so I jumped out, and joined them--- hoping they were going to the same thing as I was!!

I rounded the corner to the sidewalk in front of the park!!! HOLY!!! People, people everywhere! And here I thought I was the only one here in NEW YORK! It was truly truly inspiring to see how NEW YORKERS, of all people, were so outraged ( and this is BEFORE any talk of HEALTHCARE)-- we were told that over 12,500 people were there!!! NO RIOTS, NO RUDENESS, just mad as hell people holding signs--- there were kids there, foreigners, young people out of college, black, white, asian, ukrainian, english, you name it, they were there and they were MAD-- and of course not ONE peep out of the mainstream media-- not one PEEP.

the things we saw. . .

I have to say, along the way, the assortment of dead things was ENORMOUS! There were HUNDREDS of dead skunks--(the most popular dead animal, by far!)--there were even several black and white dead CATS that met their demise, probably quite by mistake- just by being the wrong color--- bring in the politically correct police---ahhh, but I digress. . .
sometimes when we whizzed by a flattened carcass in our traveling "kennel" I'd wonder out loud if it was a cat or a skunk--
"a skunk", Sue'd say, always with absolute certainty
"hmm--looked like a cat to me," I'd reply, squinting at the blob in the rear view mirror
"That's why they call them 'WOOD PUSSIES, '" says Sue~~
"I ain't touchin' THAT one", sniffs I--(boy, the STUFF she knows?)

~~and of course, Sue saw the dead cow, way back in Texas--I asked her how she knew it was dead and she replied, "IT. WAS. DEAD. --"--she provided no other details, so I reckon it musta been on it's back with it's 4 legs stickin' straight up??? guess I'll never know how she knew--- and neither will YOU~~~

We saw many, many dead possums, a dead dog or two, a giant bird (hawk? falcon? seagull?--we WERE in Beach territory when we saw that--), quite a few axis deer, and a dead coyote, strung up by his hind legs on a fence~~~(gruesome!)--we're not sure why the thing was hanging there--possibly to scare off other coyotes??? like my mother who snags any passer by that comes to her house to come back and bring a gun and shoot her a crow so she can hang it in her pecan tree to scare off other crows--but AGAIN I digress. . .

so now, if you have gobs and gobs of dead stuff--- what else are you gonna have????
YOU guessed it!!!! BUZZARDS!--buzzards, buzzards everywhere, doing what buzzards do~~~ circling their half dead victim, driving it insane as it lays there dying, hoping to speed up the process, as they MUST wait til it's dead before feasting on it~~~~

"Wow!" I gasp--"look at all those buzzards!--there must be something really big and dead over there" as I swung my free hand (the one not taking notes or holding the camera) towards a field off in the distance~~
"Well, " says WILD KINGDOM Sue, "I'm not so sure --I think they are just riding the current"
"RIDING THE CURRENT???????" What are you talking about????" I yelled at her---"they're circling dead stuff!!!"
"Not necessarily, " she sniffed, looking deep in thought
"are you SERIOUS??? " I was screaming , now--"I was born and raised with buzzards-- and didn't you ever watch those westerns where the guy was staked in the desert and he would see the buzzards circling through blurry slits in his eyes???--they weren't RIDING the current! there wasn't even a current IN the desert????"
where DOES she get this stuff?

and speaking of "STUFF"~~~remember the pocketbook that has been riding in Sue's lap for 6000 miles???? Well, I'm beginning to think that it's a Mary Poppins bag--Ive never SEEN so much stuff come out of a pocketbook~~~
"Sue, do you have a pen?" I'll ask
"sure"~~ and she'll reach in "the pocketbook" and pull out a pen
"Sue, do you have a bandaid? "
"Sure"-- instant band aid
"nailfile?"
'Sure"~~~instant nailfile
"paper?"
"sure" ~~instant paper
"laundry detergent?
"sure~~~
"kleenex?
"sure"
"mint?"
"sure"
stamps?
sure"
flashlite?
"sure"
"toothpaste?"
"sure"
"flea powder?"
"sure"
"saddle?"
"sure"
you get the idea-- you name it she pulled it outta there--

and the mystery of why that pocketbook is never leaving her lap~~?????
are you ready??? I think I've figured it out!

when we were in a store in Alabama, we saw a sign that read: "The bigger your pocketbook the smaller your butt looks"

I had no idea she would take it so solidly to heart~~

Later~~
Mar