I lost all my UNDERS :*0

It's the truth--- now I don't expect y'all to feel my pain, but somewhere between traveling from one house to the other I have lost ALL my unders! I packed up several pair and actually put them in a suitcase instead of the usual clothes basket I usually travel with because I was going to Va Beach with my daughter's family and I thought the son-in-law might go catatonic if my unders were too highly visible on the journey-- I went from Va Beach back to Garden City, and then directly out to the summer house-- I still had pretty many underpants in my possession at this point--- I wore them, I washed them, I dried them, I found some stuck in the sofa cushions where Miss Daisy throws the clean laundry outta the dryer--some were twisted in the sheets from the dryer., even found one on the ceiling fan blades???

ANYWAY. . . . .

I packed up to come home, put the piles of folded laundry in my suitcase, tried to zipper it, jumped up and down on it, sat on it, and finally got her squeezed shut---I get home, drag my suitcase up the stairs, and unpacked 3 weeks of junk outta my car-- I was BEAT!!!!

The next morning, I get up and go to get ready to go to my big BIRTHDAY brunch over at the Garden City HO-tel--- I pop open the groaning suitcase and start scrounging for my clean unders--aint in there--- so I UNPACK the whole suitcase ( which CONsists of emptying it onto a nearby chair)--NOPE no underoooooooos! I call Miss Daisy, who's still back at the summer house ranch and he don't know nuthin "bout no unders- I go check my underpants drawer AGAIN, certain that , in the FIRST place I didn't take ALL my unders to VA BEACH, and in the SECOND place, there should have at least been a few STRAGGLER pairs hanging out in the crevices of my drawer OR MY suitcase---- NOPE, so now I"m in a panic--- I NEED UNDERS TO GO TO THE FANCY HOTEL FOR THE FANCY BIRTHDAY BRUNCH!!! I CANNOT go COMMANDO, because it's a buffet with lobster tails and fancy stuff, and really big women get physical if you get in their way at the prime rib table, and I couldn't risk gettin knocked over and having my HOO HAA fall out in the buffet line~~

anyway. . . .

so I'm digging in my drawer and find some OLD OLD white, real GRANNY unders--- you know the ones??? that come up under yer arm pits? elastic all stretched with elastic threads hanging in random places? and have an OLD MUSTY DRAWER SMELL??? They looked like Gwenyth Paltrows underpants on Shallow Hal--They looked like the Flying Nun's hat-- so now--- should I bother wearing these things that had a better than average shot at falling down around my ankles in the buffet line??? I even TOYED with the idea of wearing a pair of Miss Daisy's unders, but with the occasion of my 60th birthday brunch, I foresaw a nursing home in my immediate future if I was found out--

So I opted for the GRANNYS, and wore pants and a jacket, to hide the bunched up unders on my ass--they were so bunched up, they might as well been thongs as that''s where most of the material ended up--where the sun don't shine.

So this evening, I went to Costco to get some new unmentionables ( that I have been "mentioning" for 10 minutes, now)--they only had a pack of 5 with a pair of black, white, black with white stripes and black with white polka dots ones---I'm pretty sure my REAL unders are out in the yard out there somewhere, raccoons building nests with them, the swans getting them hooked around their webbed feet, and the muskrat, swimming across the pond with a pair on his head--yep--that's where MOST of them are, - but come to find out. . .Miss Daisy DID have a hand in the disappearance-- I have evidence--yes I do.